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It is no secret that reaching a desired goal or outcome usually requires some sort of action. So if your goal is to heal a broken heart and move on with your life in a healthy manner, then there are some things that you will need to do in order to make that happen. To help you develop an idea about what sort of actions will lead you closer toward achieving that goal, please review the To Do List below. Keep in mind that while some of these actions will be much harder than others, the benefits will eventually outweigh the costs.
« Cut off ALL communication with your ex. This action is at the top of the list for a reason. Not only is this usually the most difficult thing to do but it is also undoubtedly the single, most important thing you need to do in order to begin the healing process. Think of your break up or divorce as you would a deep and painful physical wound. Emotional wounds, just like physical wounds, need time in order to heal. If you had a cut on your arm and constantly picked off the scab as soon as it began to form, you would essentially be preventing that wound from healing. And yet that is precisely what you are doing every single time you make an effort to communicate with or accept communication from your ex. Whether you realize it at the time or not (and many times you won’t), even the most innocent of conversations with your ex will ever so subtly scrape away at the emotional scar that has been so desperately trying to form since the relationship first ended. If you truly want to heal and move on with your life, this is one action that is simply non-negotiable. Failing to check this one off of your To Do List will dramatically prolong the healing process for you. As you contemplate this action, be sure to consider the following two points: 1. It doesn’t have to be permanent, it just has to be long enough for you to properly heal. If after you have gone through the healing process you feel as though you would really like for your ex to be a part of your life in a platonic way, then by all means, go ahead and give it a shot.
2. If there are children or shared assets involved, then you will obviously not be able to cut off all communication with your ex. What you can do in this type of situation is to carefully limit the communication with your ex so that it is reduced to a bare minimum and is comprised strictly of discussions related to the children or shared assets. Anytime there are kids or shared assets involved, the healing process will naturally take longer and be slightly more difficult but it is not impossible. Be careful not to let your ex manipulate you into discussing issues that are not directly related to your children or shared interests. Lay some ground rules for your ex early on so that he/she knows exactly what you are and are not willing to talk about during your interactions. Always keep it as brief and as simple as possible.
« Purge everything related to your ex and the relationship. In order to help you complete the first task, delete your ex’s name and number from your cell phone or at the very least, replace his/her name with a phrase that will remind you of the reasons why you should avoid answering his/her calls or texts. Delete your ex’s email and/or instant message handle from your contact list and if you can bring yourself to do it, block him/her from contacting you online. If you are use social networking sites like Myspace or Facebook, delete your ex as a “friend”, make your information private, and resist the urge to check up on his/her page. Even though the urge to take a peek at what he/she is up to will be strong, resisting it will save you a lot of additional and unnecessary heartache. Once you have purged your ex from your electronic and cyber world, do the same in the real world. Take any and all pictures, letters, and souvenirs that remind you of your ex and/or the relationship and get them out of sight. Store everything in one big box and put it in some deep, dark corner where it won’t tempt you to torture yourself by wallowing in the memories. Leave it right where you put it until you feel ready enough to discard it or use some of it to achieve a sense of closure by conducting a relationship funeral.
« Snap out of denial and accept reality. It isn’t easy to admit that the relationship is actually over and that you must now learn how to live a happy and fulfilled life without your ex but it is something that absolutely needs to be done in order for you to move on. Because it is bound to be painful, go easy on yourself as you try to digest the reality of the situation at hand. It’s okay if you have to keep reminding yourself that it’s over. Keep in mind that you have turned the page to a new chapter in your life and that what you do now will largely determine the way that this new chapter will play out. You have a very important choice to make at this point. You can either lose yourself in perpetual denial that causes you to relive the pain all over again each time that reality slaps you in the face OR you can make a conscious decision to accept things as they are and start to make lemonade with those lemons in your hand. Denial might seem easier in the short-term but remember that you are working for long-term results here so choose wisely.
« Ride the emotional roller coaster. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself fluctuating from one emotional extreme to the other. It is a perfectly normal reaction for you to feel hopelessly sad one minute and then raging mad the next. Whatever emotion you happen to be feeling at the moment, acknowledge it for what it is and simply let it run its course. As tempting as it might be to deny or bottle up your feelings, it is extremely important that you allow yourself to release them. Don’t beat yourself up about the way that you feel. Give yourself permission to be human and to feel the whole range of emotions that naturally arise when you are going through a trying time. For tips on how to release your emotions in constructive or at least non-destructive ways, please refer to the strategies page.
« Celebrate small victories. Because the road to recovery can often be so long and treacherous, it is very important for you to celebrate even the smallest of victories along the way. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by looking at the big picture. Instead, start off small by taking it one moment and one breath at a time. Forget about how you might feel several weeks, months or even years down the road and instead focus on how you are feeling at this very moment. Every breath and every heartbeat is ongoing proof that you most certainly can live without your ex. Even though this might not be what you think you want, it is probably what you need and should therefore be celebrated. You should also be sure to acknowledge and celebrate every genuine smile that creeps its way onto your lips and every glimmer of hope that finds its way into your thoughts. Eventually, you will be able to throw a big celebration for all of the healing and personal development work that you were able to do in spite of the emotional challenges that initially stood in your way.
« Analyze the situation and try to identify the lessons that can be drawn from the experience. Not everyone will be able to successfully complete this particular task right away. This is because emotional obstacles can sometimes prevent you from being able to see things as they truly are. Because it requires you to look at a very personal and painful situation from an objective point of view, this assignment is one of the more challenging ones so try not to be too hard on yourself if you struggle with it. Doing emotional work can help you to learn a lot about yourself and about the relationship. You can find more detailed suggestions for how to process emotions in the strategies section of the website.
« Surround yourself with positive people and energy. Even though your first instinct might be to withdraw into hermit mode so that you can lick your wounds in private, you need to make an effort to resist those urges and do exactly the opposite. Reach out to the people in your life that you trust (just make sure that your ex is NOT one of them). Let your family and friends know what is going on and let them be there for you. Cut ties with anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself or who gives off any kind of negative energy. What you need more than anything right now are compassionate, caring people who are willing to support you in your time of need. If you honestly feel like you don’t have that in your life, don’t be afraid to use the Internet as a resource for support. There are countless websites and forums that serve as support networks for people who have nowhere else to turn. A few of these sites are listed on the links page for your convenience. |
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Breaking Up Without Breaking Down |
